From Church to the Bar

Today was... interesting.  I mean, it was a good day, it was just interesting.  I started out the day by going to choir practice.  I didn't feel well but I took a medicine cocktail and pushed myself through the rehearsal.  It went fine.  Then, my mom, me, and our friend Bonni all went out for a birthday celebration.  See, my birthday is Sept. 1st and Bonni's is on the 5th.  We are almost exactly 20 years apart.  She' s the older wiser sister I never had.  She's helped me through so much I'm just so glad to have met her and become her friend.  I was glad that my mom came too.  I kind of feel like I haven't seen her very often.  Which is true, I guess, because since she's started working weekends again our schedules have become opposite at times.  So that was really fun and really needed.  Then I went to the mall with my mom.  It was hot and crowded and I bought a pair of underwear.  Then I went into Bath and Body Works and saw this cute guy and I thought he "saw" me too until his boyfriend walked up and I smiled and just laughed to myself as I walked away.  Isn't that always how it happens?  I guess I should've known, though, because of all the times I've been in Bath and Body I've only ever seen like two guys and both times they looked uncomfortable just standing in the middle of the store holding a bunch of bags while their wife shopped around.  I knew it had to be too good to be true to find a guy that was cute and had good hygiene, oh well.  Then finally I went out to hear Bonni's sister, and my friend as well, Sherri play a gig with her band 'Rock The Boat'.  They're pretty good.  I would go and hear them again.  Although, if I go anywhere else to hear her I hope all the drunk people don't follow.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to get sloshed as well as the next sloshed person but it wasn't that kind of venue and it was only like 8:00!  That's ridiculous!  So, like I said, I had a good day but it was just interesting.  I started out in church and ended up being bumped into by drunk people dancing.  Well, it's nothing at a couple beers can't fix, anyway.  Now, to retire to my bed.  Blessings!

New Semester, New Problems...what else is new?

Hello World!  Long time since I've written but that's how it usually goes with me.  Tonight was the first rehearsal of the annual 'Raise The Praise' concert at my church.  I was sort of in a sad mood and it just lifted my spirits being there, interacting with old friends and meeting new ones.  I just love the feeling I get when I learn a new song and sing it for the first time.  Taking what was once just a recording and turning it into live people making tight, beautiful harmonies.  So, that's going on right now and also I'm back at Greenville College trying to make my way through the maze that school has turned out to be.  Though, through the stress I am learning valuable lessons like patience and acceptance that my life is just that, mine.  I have discovered that I move at my own pace and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me.  My path has turned out to be a bit rockier and more twisted than I had planned but it has built things in me that I would probably have otherwise not learned.  I used to wonder and care what people thought about me and what I was doing with my life and where I was headed but anymore I just don't care what they think.  For those who are supportive I am glad but for those that question or even make fun I just don't have time to be burdened by their judgements.

Anyway, it's just another day in the life of M.E. trying to figure out this thing we call life.  Well, good night, God Bless and stay positive.  Things are gonna get brighter!!!

Peace & Love!

Giving Up Friends

I've given up friends!  Yep, that's right, no more friends for me.  Well, I guess let me explain.  I have a few great friends that I love but the majority of those few don't even live near me.  Some I haven't even seen in years.  It seems like, though, the ones that do live around me, the ones that I have interacted with and run into often are the ones that let me down the most.  I go to school and I'm more focused on making friends than on learning.  So, I decided that I would no longer have friends.  I would no longer worry about what I'm going to do with my time or what others think of me.  I have had my heart broken so much here lately that I'm just taking a break from these types of relationships.  And the funniest part of the story is that I just got back from watching the Sex and the City movie.  A movie that is the epitome of friendship and yet, it hasn't changed my mind about distancing myself from the world.  In fact, sitting there in that movie theatre watching those girls interact and support one another it didn't make me feel like I was missing out.  It, instead, made me feel like I don't want to have any friendships until I can find authentic lasting ones.  For at least the next two years my life is in an uncertain and unpredictable state.  I have nothing lasting to offer anyone.  And to be fair and accept that I play a role in my failed relationships I recognize my inability to be supportive and attentive for right now.  And it is this inability that makes me not a very good candidate for a top-notch friend.  I'm so exhausted right now.  School is exhausting.  Family is exhausting.  Looking for a stupid summer job is exhausting.  These are all things that I have to have and deal with in my life.  The parts that I can control I want keep as simple as possible.  Since simple and friend are usually not used together in my life I have just decided to be rid of it...for the time being.  

I hope that one day I can be like the girls from Sex and the City.  I hope to be my own Carrie in my life.  I hope that we can be as honest and supportive as they are to each other.  But until that day I'm just gonna keep my head down, focus on my own life, and get through school.  I am hopeful that my life will one day all come together-great friends, spouse and life!  Until then, I'll just keep plugging away.

Peace & Love! 

Some Things Are Just Beyond Comprehension

Well, my headache went from bad to worse today.  I woke up with a headache but it got worse when I found out that my moms friend's son died in a car wreck.  I will not call it an "accident" because the young man was killed by a drunk driver running a red light.  My headache got especially bad when I drove my mom over to her friends house and I watched the two of them weep in each other's arms.  It was absolutely devastating.  What do you do?  What do you say?  How do you explain what has just happened?

It was especially hard too because that was the first time (that I can remember) watching my mom break down like that.  I've seen my mom cry before but never weep like that.  My mom is like my superhero, she's my Wonder Woman.  It was a very difficult time for me.  It was also, however, a very humbling experience for me.  It  really made me think about my life.  I, like several others, am guilty of having driven under the influence.  Now, even at the time, I was never proud of myself or took for granted my safety.  But it makes me even more aware of just how fortunate I was and how I need to take the preventative measures to make sure that it never happens again, even if that means not drinking.  It also makes me reflect on just how precious life is.  It's so tactless that it takes another human being dying for me to "get" how special my life is but I am grateful for the lesson in all of this.  I hope that I can learn from this and I hope that for a long while I will be able to remember the importance of the life of this young man and the importance of my life and the decisions I make.  There were so many people that were gathered to help and remember and comfort but I couldn't help but wonder if people would do the same for me.  If I've actually made an impact on all that many lives.  I feel like most of the time I spend my life in a negative, pessimistic, depressive state that I hardly get to enjoy it.  And though it's true that while this life on Earth for some is heaven and others is hell, for me I have a great life and not much to complain about.  So it's time for me to be who I am and never give in.  To live a good life and do what makes me happy.  To go and visit my friends like I always say I'm going to.  To learn to play the piano.  To learn to speak French.  To call the friend I had a falling out with.  To pray more.  To eat less.  To find love.  To praise God.  

My prayer today is one of thankfulness and forgiveness.  I pray for Will's family, especially his wonderful, beautiful mother, that they may be comforted in this time of trial and grief, that they may be blessed when it seems as if they have lost everything, and that they may have the strength to overcome and endure to experience all of God's gifts and plans that He still has in store for them!  God Bless You!

Peace & Love! 

Last Day of School Thoughts

Well, I finished...I'm done with my first semester at Greenville College!  Yet, somehow, I feel a little bit sad.  And to be honest, I'm not exactly sure why.  I'm not attached to any of the people here, I've not really made any great friends.  It's not been so great, really.  It's been tough and I've watched people who are far from talented surpass me while I just stand there and watch the wrong choices being made.  It seems like some things never change.  I'm just stuck right now.  And maybe that's why, as I write these words, tears come to my eyes.  I just knew for sure that Greenville was where God wanted me to be and now I'm not so sure.  But the reason that tears come to my eyes is because when I thought I was sure and that I was listening and God was speaking to me, it seems that maybe I was mistaken.  Maybe once again I've jumped the gun and done what I wanted instead of what God has chosen for me.  I also wonder if the tears have anything to do with the fact that I'm going back to a sad place.  I've lost my best friend, and I had my heart ripped out and I have no  job and no money.  I wonder how I'm supposed to be positive right now, I wonder how anyone can be positive in these situations.  I guess these are the times when I'm being "tested" and should just stop and listen and above everything just trust.  It was funny because this morning when I was in the shower (yeah, I have a lot of those "ah-ha!" moments in the shower...must be all the steam) and I was singing a little line from one of the songs I've written and and the line goes "I won't talk about you, won't slander your name, won't stoop to your level, I won't do the same" and I was thinking about the person who ripped out my heart and has yet to return it.  But the truth is I have talked about him.  And it just made me think that it's so easy for me to say the words, sing the songs, recite the prayers but none of it means anything.  I go back on my word, I gossip, I lie, I'm bitter, I hold grudges, and at the end of the day my heart still aches because my life is no where near I want it to be.  Most days I'm just sad.  But how do I see the good in human kind when there's not much good to find.  How do I appreciate people that drive me crazy.  Especially here, people are immature and cliquey and at times just down right judgmental.  And the friend that I do have I question whether or not I want to be her friend.  We seem to be polar opposites, except when it comes to talking about other people.  We get along great when it comes to that, we always have plenty to talk about.  And I don't mean to plague her as a bad person, what I'm saying is that I don't know that I can be around someone like that.  I need to be around positive people who believe in God and know that He is good and know that He has everything under control.  Yeah, control, that's something I really need to learn this summer, self-control.  I need to find out who I am and be that person and never stray from it for one more second.  

Well, that's all from me today!

Peace & Love!

My Answer Left Me Nothing But Questions

My heart is absolutely aching.  All I want to do is cry.  Nothing special happened, nobody said anything to me but still I ache.  It's been a year since my "love switch" was flipped into the on position.  But it didn't go anywhere so I should be over it, right?  Why am I still effected by the thought of him?  Why do I still long for us to be together?  I just want to let go.  I have let go.  But still in the quiet and darkness of night when I lie alone in my bed I am haunted by the memory of him.  His face is forever etched in my mind and his words on my heart.  I cling so tightly to the thin thread of hope.  And for what?  I so badly want to be rid of wanting him the way he so obviously is rid of me.  I wanted him to be the answer but he's nothing but questions.  I try to fill my life with music and friends and booze but nothing fills the void.  Nothing can quite rid me of my pain.  Nothing is the magic pill that will heal my heart.  Everyday I fall away a little further from myself.  Everyday I wonder if tomorrow really will be better.  Everyday I wonder if this will ever end.  I feel so broken, so used.  I ask God everyday, why am I going through this?  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Why so much pain?  Why so much sadness?  I cannot yet see what it is that I should be learning.  I have not yet found a place I can dwell that no longer reminds me of him.  I think I could run to the ends of the Earth but never truly escape the memory of him.  I pray to be loosed from the chains of him.  I pray for true freedom.  I pray that this will not harden my heart but at times it feels as if it's too late for that.  I feel like I hide from the world in order to keep my secret.  I put up walls and hand out insults as if they were party favors...but no one is smiling.  I have lost my best friend over this.  I am alone.  I have reached the bottom.  I am alone in this pit.  Have I sold my soul to the devil for a brief moment of bliss?  For a second of feeling wanted?  Have I sacrificed my hopes, my dreams for following after something that doesn't want to be followed?  Where do I go from here?  Do I blame him?  Or is it all my fault?  Did I buy into his act?  Or did I just imagine the whole thing, did I make something out of nothing?  And then he will continue to be admired by all, while I struggle to stay afloat in his wake.  But maybe in the end he will realize that it wasn't a game to me.  My heart was not just something to play with.  Someday he will understand that I did love him.  One day he will know, of this, I am sure.

Finding Me

So, that's it.  It's all over.  School, I mean.  And, yeah, just for the semester.  But still, it was stressful enough that I'm just so glad for the break.  I almost collapsed after I sang for my juries.  All the stress was just let go and I just wanted to go to sleep for days.  (which, I fully plan on doing)  Life is just such a funny thing when I think about it, though.  I think about all the stress that I put myself through and for what?  I don't mean that as a bad thing but really, what is all the worry for?  Why can't I just live my life with confidence?  But then I think, God didn't make us like that.  He didn't make us to walk around is this skin not feeling anything.  I think about the struggles in my life and how much I wish that I didn't have to deal with them.  I think also about the fact that I've just not settled on any decisions in my life yet.  I just can't seem to find contentment in my life.  I can't stand to be alone and yet people in general are driving me crazy!  I feel like all the good opportunities in life are being taken by people that don't deserve them.  I feel like I'm going no where in my life.  I feel like I'm attractive to no one.  And more than anything, I just feel like I've fallen from God's grace.  Like I'm so far beneath Him that He can no longer see me.  He no longer remembers my name.  I no longer honor Him with anything that I do.  And I just wonder, where did it all go wrong?  Where did I stop living as a happy kid and start living as a depressed "adult".  And I put adult in quotes because most of the time I don't feel like I should be an adult.  I feel like I missed out on crucial development when growing up.  I don't know exactly what it is but I'm still looking for it.  I'm still hopeful, I just keep thinking that this is the long dark valley in my life but someday soon I will finally see the glorious light and rise above all of this pain and suffering.  Some day the stress will be lessened so I can feel like I can breathe again.  I can be loved and accepted for me.  I can begin to find my way back, I can begin to find me.  

Freedom Is A Beautiful Thing

So, today I went to the Missouri Botanical Garden and it was amazing.  Such beauty in the middle of so much hustle and bustle of the city.  I was walking around by myself contemplating my life and just enjoying everything.  It was such a peaceful moment in my life where, while I was walking through the Japanese garden, I could have very easily been in Japan. For a moment, I was somewhere else besides my ordinary life...it  was bliss.  However, I became suddenly aware that I was surrounded by couples.  They were everywhere.  Even the ducks in the pond were mating.  And there I was...alone.  And as much as I wanted to be at peace with the fact that I was by myself I just wasn't.  I'm still dealing with the torment of having a broken heart.  It's just not one of those things that is easy to get over.  I just wanted to fade into the beautiful scenery.  My story is one that many can identify with, one that many people have been through and successfully gotten over and here I am feeling like I'm the only person that has ever had to deal with this.  I want to be his friend so I'm not letting go but not letting go leaves me hanging on and then my heart just keeps getting broken, the wound keeps getting reopened.  And at this point I just don't know what to do.  I've cried, I've laughed, I've been irate, I've thought that I've moved on, and yet I'm stuck in the same place.  I know I just need to close the door but I haven't been able to.  How do you fall out of love with someone.  And how do you look someone in the face and be their friend when you know that they broke your heart and didn't even say they were sorry?  I just don't understand why I'm in this vicious cycle.  I think if I looked prettier, or was skinnier, or rich or something different from who I am that this sort of thing wouldn't happen to me.  Most days I get up and wish I was someone other than me.  But to be honest, I want to be me.  I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not.  I don't want this strange attachment to someone that used me.  I don't want my whole day to be wrecked because I hear that he has moved on to the next naive girl.  I want to feel special and pretty and loved.  And more than anything, I just want to be free of this ghost called the past, I no longer want to be haunted by the memory of him.  He doesn't deserve so much of my time and affection, yet, I seem to give it so freely.

So, here's the moral of the story.  For those of you who are in love, just take a moment to be thankful for that love.  Appreciate the love that you share with that person while remembering that there are those of us who are not so lucky.  And also, I pray that God grants me peace and understanding to get through this.  I want to truly be able to forgive him and then let it go.  I want to be able to move on with no hostilities.  I want to better understand myself and God's plans for my life.  And more than anything I just want to be happy!

Peace & Love!

The Way Life Should Be

I just want to feel like I belong instead of feeling like I can't move on 

Wanna feel loved by the one who doesn't even know my name

Wanna feel like everyday's different instead of the same

Wanna taste you everyday, wanna let go and run away

Just want this chaos to end so everything's okay

Why is life so complicated?

Why am I always so frustrated?

Cause it all seems pretty simple to me:

Be happy, be honest, be loved, be free

That's the way life should be, yeah,

That's the way life should be

Just wanna get out of bed and feel like I wanna live

Just want you to love me the way I love you

Wanna know that You'll be there to pull me through

Wanna make God proud, wanna sing out loud

Don't wanna have to wait any longer, wanna start living now

Why is life so complicated?

Why am I always so frustrated?

Cause it all seems pretty simple to me:

Be happy, be honest, be loved, be free

That's the way life should be, yeah, 

That's the way life should be

Cause we never really know 

Where life's gonna take us

So we gotta be sure that we're real

And never fake, cause

I want you see the real me

And I wanna know the real you

Time For Change...I Think

Wow!  So, today has been sort of a crazy day!  I got a call from a friend that won't talk to me...so that was nice.  I went to class, talked with my friend, got mad at another "friend" and now I'm sitting here contemplating my life.  I know, it's all very exciting!  But really, I've decided that this school may not be the school for me.  And while I realize that this is only the first semester, what else is there to know really? I'm going to give it one more semester and then I'm going to make my decision.  So, while I'm waiting I'm going to be looking at other schools, especially around the Chicago area.  I think I'm ready to move to a big city and experience something totally new.  I want to live in a town that has a population bigger than 7,000 and walk into places where I won't run into anyone.  I'm ready for a change and I think that I really need it.  I mean, really, what is keeping me here?  Don't get me wrong, I love my family but I can't live with them the rest of my life.  I don't have a boyfriend, I don't really have any friends at all so where does that leave me?  Not here, that's where!  I just think that it's important that I really spread my wings and live on my own.  I really think that the only thing that is keeping me here is fear.  I also think that if I was really loving Greenville it would be worth all the debt I'm getting myself into but I just don't think it is.  First of all, I completely feel like I'm back in high school, which, can I just tell you how much I hated high school!?!  Also, as far as contemporary goes, not so much!  I mean, for being in a contemporary music program I sure am singing a lot of Mozart and the thing is, if I'm going to sing Mozart I might as well go to a school that is less judgmental and less expensive!  I was also asking myself who I really loved in my life.  Like, is there one person in my life (outside of my family) that I really loved and wanted to be with and made me happy?  And the answer is yes, definitely!  My best friend Jen.  Who, it just so happens that she lives in the Chicago area.  And if I'm going to be really happy in my life I think I need to be closer to her.  I've missed her so much everyday since we left each other after living together in Florida for 8 months.  I know it sounds crazy (and at this point I don't care!) but I just want to be with someone that makes me feel good about myself.  And don't get any weird ideas because no, we're not lesbians!  But she really is the best person I know and I really do love her so much!  She's the only one that really understands me and would be able to help me through the bad times.  And I'm gonna pray really hard about this and hope that I get an answer but I also feel like I prayed really hard about greenville and now I'm miserable!  I have one friend here (but I love her so much so don't think I'm complaining about her-we have good times together!) and it feels like I'm back in high school, I'm not really doing that much contemporary stuff and some of the people here are so judgmental!

So, let me just end all of this by saying that I understand that I'm an impulsive person and I need to really weigh my good and the bad and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!  But part of me knows that it's time to grow up and experience life!  I'm tired of being alone and of feeling unfulfilled in my life!  I just think it's time for change!

About M.E.

Hello! This is my first blog...I'm so excited!  Well, my name is Liz Ahrens and I'm going to Greenville College right now.  I'm studying contemporary christian music and I hope to be either a worship leader in a church or a Rock Star!!!  We'll see what God has in store for me.  I'm pretty easy going and I believe in God but please don't associate me with religion...it's just not my thing.  This is just going to be a short blog because I don't really have too much to say right now.  Today was a pretty uneventful day and I have so much homework to do!  Talk to you soon!

Peace & Love!