My Answer Left Me Nothing But Questions

My heart is absolutely aching.  All I want to do is cry.  Nothing special happened, nobody said anything to me but still I ache.  It's been a year since my "love switch" was flipped into the on position.  But it didn't go anywhere so I should be over it, right?  Why am I still effected by the thought of him?  Why do I still long for us to be together?  I just want to let go.  I have let go.  But still in the quiet and darkness of night when I lie alone in my bed I am haunted by the memory of him.  His face is forever etched in my mind and his words on my heart.  I cling so tightly to the thin thread of hope.  And for what?  I so badly want to be rid of wanting him the way he so obviously is rid of me.  I wanted him to be the answer but he's nothing but questions.  I try to fill my life with music and friends and booze but nothing fills the void.  Nothing can quite rid me of my pain.  Nothing is the magic pill that will heal my heart.  Everyday I fall away a little further from myself.  Everyday I wonder if tomorrow really will be better.  Everyday I wonder if this will ever end.  I feel so broken, so used.  I ask God everyday, why am I going through this?  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Why so much pain?  Why so much sadness?  I cannot yet see what it is that I should be learning.  I have not yet found a place I can dwell that no longer reminds me of him.  I think I could run to the ends of the Earth but never truly escape the memory of him.  I pray to be loosed from the chains of him.  I pray for true freedom.  I pray that this will not harden my heart but at times it feels as if it's too late for that.  I feel like I hide from the world in order to keep my secret.  I put up walls and hand out insults as if they were party favors...but no one is smiling.  I have lost my best friend over this.  I am alone.  I have reached the bottom.  I am alone in this pit.  Have I sold my soul to the devil for a brief moment of bliss?  For a second of feeling wanted?  Have I sacrificed my hopes, my dreams for following after something that doesn't want to be followed?  Where do I go from here?  Do I blame him?  Or is it all my fault?  Did I buy into his act?  Or did I just imagine the whole thing, did I make something out of nothing?  And then he will continue to be admired by all, while I struggle to stay afloat in his wake.  But maybe in the end he will realize that it wasn't a game to me.  My heart was not just something to play with.  Someday he will understand that I did love him.  One day he will know, of this, I am sure.