Last Day of School Thoughts

Well, I finished...I'm done with my first semester at Greenville College!  Yet, somehow, I feel a little bit sad.  And to be honest, I'm not exactly sure why.  I'm not attached to any of the people here, I've not really made any great friends.  It's not been so great, really.  It's been tough and I've watched people who are far from talented surpass me while I just stand there and watch the wrong choices being made.  It seems like some things never change.  I'm just stuck right now.  And maybe that's why, as I write these words, tears come to my eyes.  I just knew for sure that Greenville was where God wanted me to be and now I'm not so sure.  But the reason that tears come to my eyes is because when I thought I was sure and that I was listening and God was speaking to me, it seems that maybe I was mistaken.  Maybe once again I've jumped the gun and done what I wanted instead of what God has chosen for me.  I also wonder if the tears have anything to do with the fact that I'm going back to a sad place.  I've lost my best friend, and I had my heart ripped out and I have no  job and no money.  I wonder how I'm supposed to be positive right now, I wonder how anyone can be positive in these situations.  I guess these are the times when I'm being "tested" and should just stop and listen and above everything just trust.  It was funny because this morning when I was in the shower (yeah, I have a lot of those "ah-ha!" moments in the shower...must be all the steam) and I was singing a little line from one of the songs I've written and and the line goes "I won't talk about you, won't slander your name, won't stoop to your level, I won't do the same" and I was thinking about the person who ripped out my heart and has yet to return it.  But the truth is I have talked about him.  And it just made me think that it's so easy for me to say the words, sing the songs, recite the prayers but none of it means anything.  I go back on my word, I gossip, I lie, I'm bitter, I hold grudges, and at the end of the day my heart still aches because my life is no where near I want it to be.  Most days I'm just sad.  But how do I see the good in human kind when there's not much good to find.  How do I appreciate people that drive me crazy.  Especially here, people are immature and cliquey and at times just down right judgmental.  And the friend that I do have I question whether or not I want to be her friend.  We seem to be polar opposites, except when it comes to talking about other people.  We get along great when it comes to that, we always have plenty to talk about.  And I don't mean to plague her as a bad person, what I'm saying is that I don't know that I can be around someone like that.  I need to be around positive people who believe in God and know that He is good and know that He has everything under control.  Yeah, control, that's something I really need to learn this summer, self-control.  I need to find out who I am and be that person and never stray from it for one more second.  

Well, that's all from me today!

Peace & Love!