So, today I went to the Missouri Botanical Garden and it was amazing. Such beauty in the middle of so much hustle and bustle of the city. I was walking around by myself contemplating my life and just enjoying everything. It was such a peaceful moment in my life where, while I was walking through the Japanese garden, I could have very easily been in Japan. For a moment, I was somewhere else besides my ordinary life...it was bliss. However, I became suddenly aware that I was surrounded by couples. They were everywhere. Even the ducks in the pond were mating. And there I was...alone. And as much as I wanted to be at peace with the fact that I was by myself I just wasn't. I'm still dealing with the torment of having a broken heart. It's just not one of those things that is easy to get over. I just wanted to fade into the beautiful scenery. My story is one that many can identify with, one that many people have been through and successfully gotten over and here I am feeling like I'm the only person that has ever had to deal with this. I want to be his friend so I'm not letting go but not letting go leaves me hanging on and then my heart just keeps getting broken, the wound keeps getting reopened. And at this point I just don't know what to do. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been irate, I've thought that I've moved on, and yet I'm stuck in the same place. I know I just need to close the door but I haven't been able to. How do you fall out of love with someone. And how do you look someone in the face and be their friend when you know that they broke your heart and didn't even say they were sorry? I just don't understand why I'm in this vicious cycle. I think if I looked prettier, or was skinnier, or rich or something different from who I am that this sort of thing wouldn't happen to me. Most days I get up and wish I was someone other than me. But to be honest, I want to be me. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want this strange attachment to someone that used me. I don't want my whole day to be wrecked because I hear that he has moved on to the next naive girl. I want to feel special and pretty and loved. And more than anything, I just want to be free of this ghost called the past, I no longer want to be haunted by the memory of him. He doesn't deserve so much of my time and affection, yet, I seem to give it so freely.
So, here's the moral of the story. For those of you who are in love, just take a moment to be thankful for that love. Appreciate the love that you share with that person while remembering that there are those of us who are not so lucky. And also, I pray that God grants me peace and understanding to get through this. I want to truly be able to forgive him and then let it go. I want to be able to move on with no hostilities. I want to better understand myself and God's plans for my life. And more than anything I just want to be happy!
Peace & Love!
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