Some Things Are Just Beyond Comprehension

Well, my headache went from bad to worse today.  I woke up with a headache but it got worse when I found out that my moms friend's son died in a car wreck.  I will not call it an "accident" because the young man was killed by a drunk driver running a red light.  My headache got especially bad when I drove my mom over to her friends house and I watched the two of them weep in each other's arms.  It was absolutely devastating.  What do you do?  What do you say?  How do you explain what has just happened?

It was especially hard too because that was the first time (that I can remember) watching my mom break down like that.  I've seen my mom cry before but never weep like that.  My mom is like my superhero, she's my Wonder Woman.  It was a very difficult time for me.  It was also, however, a very humbling experience for me.  It  really made me think about my life.  I, like several others, am guilty of having driven under the influence.  Now, even at the time, I was never proud of myself or took for granted my safety.  But it makes me even more aware of just how fortunate I was and how I need to take the preventative measures to make sure that it never happens again, even if that means not drinking.  It also makes me reflect on just how precious life is.  It's so tactless that it takes another human being dying for me to "get" how special my life is but I am grateful for the lesson in all of this.  I hope that I can learn from this and I hope that for a long while I will be able to remember the importance of the life of this young man and the importance of my life and the decisions I make.  There were so many people that were gathered to help and remember and comfort but I couldn't help but wonder if people would do the same for me.  If I've actually made an impact on all that many lives.  I feel like most of the time I spend my life in a negative, pessimistic, depressive state that I hardly get to enjoy it.  And though it's true that while this life on Earth for some is heaven and others is hell, for me I have a great life and not much to complain about.  So it's time for me to be who I am and never give in.  To live a good life and do what makes me happy.  To go and visit my friends like I always say I'm going to.  To learn to play the piano.  To learn to speak French.  To call the friend I had a falling out with.  To pray more.  To eat less.  To find love.  To praise God.  

My prayer today is one of thankfulness and forgiveness.  I pray for Will's family, especially his wonderful, beautiful mother, that they may be comforted in this time of trial and grief, that they may be blessed when it seems as if they have lost everything, and that they may have the strength to overcome and endure to experience all of God's gifts and plans that He still has in store for them!  God Bless You!

Peace & Love! 

Last Day of School Thoughts

Well, I finished...I'm done with my first semester at Greenville College!  Yet, somehow, I feel a little bit sad.  And to be honest, I'm not exactly sure why.  I'm not attached to any of the people here, I've not really made any great friends.  It's not been so great, really.  It's been tough and I've watched people who are far from talented surpass me while I just stand there and watch the wrong choices being made.  It seems like some things never change.  I'm just stuck right now.  And maybe that's why, as I write these words, tears come to my eyes.  I just knew for sure that Greenville was where God wanted me to be and now I'm not so sure.  But the reason that tears come to my eyes is because when I thought I was sure and that I was listening and God was speaking to me, it seems that maybe I was mistaken.  Maybe once again I've jumped the gun and done what I wanted instead of what God has chosen for me.  I also wonder if the tears have anything to do with the fact that I'm going back to a sad place.  I've lost my best friend, and I had my heart ripped out and I have no  job and no money.  I wonder how I'm supposed to be positive right now, I wonder how anyone can be positive in these situations.  I guess these are the times when I'm being "tested" and should just stop and listen and above everything just trust.  It was funny because this morning when I was in the shower (yeah, I have a lot of those "ah-ha!" moments in the shower...must be all the steam) and I was singing a little line from one of the songs I've written and and the line goes "I won't talk about you, won't slander your name, won't stoop to your level, I won't do the same" and I was thinking about the person who ripped out my heart and has yet to return it.  But the truth is I have talked about him.  And it just made me think that it's so easy for me to say the words, sing the songs, recite the prayers but none of it means anything.  I go back on my word, I gossip, I lie, I'm bitter, I hold grudges, and at the end of the day my heart still aches because my life is no where near I want it to be.  Most days I'm just sad.  But how do I see the good in human kind when there's not much good to find.  How do I appreciate people that drive me crazy.  Especially here, people are immature and cliquey and at times just down right judgmental.  And the friend that I do have I question whether or not I want to be her friend.  We seem to be polar opposites, except when it comes to talking about other people.  We get along great when it comes to that, we always have plenty to talk about.  And I don't mean to plague her as a bad person, what I'm saying is that I don't know that I can be around someone like that.  I need to be around positive people who believe in God and know that He is good and know that He has everything under control.  Yeah, control, that's something I really need to learn this summer, self-control.  I need to find out who I am and be that person and never stray from it for one more second.  

Well, that's all from me today!

Peace & Love!

My Answer Left Me Nothing But Questions

My heart is absolutely aching.  All I want to do is cry.  Nothing special happened, nobody said anything to me but still I ache.  It's been a year since my "love switch" was flipped into the on position.  But it didn't go anywhere so I should be over it, right?  Why am I still effected by the thought of him?  Why do I still long for us to be together?  I just want to let go.  I have let go.  But still in the quiet and darkness of night when I lie alone in my bed I am haunted by the memory of him.  His face is forever etched in my mind and his words on my heart.  I cling so tightly to the thin thread of hope.  And for what?  I so badly want to be rid of wanting him the way he so obviously is rid of me.  I wanted him to be the answer but he's nothing but questions.  I try to fill my life with music and friends and booze but nothing fills the void.  Nothing can quite rid me of my pain.  Nothing is the magic pill that will heal my heart.  Everyday I fall away a little further from myself.  Everyday I wonder if tomorrow really will be better.  Everyday I wonder if this will ever end.  I feel so broken, so used.  I ask God everyday, why am I going through this?  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Why so much pain?  Why so much sadness?  I cannot yet see what it is that I should be learning.  I have not yet found a place I can dwell that no longer reminds me of him.  I think I could run to the ends of the Earth but never truly escape the memory of him.  I pray to be loosed from the chains of him.  I pray for true freedom.  I pray that this will not harden my heart but at times it feels as if it's too late for that.  I feel like I hide from the world in order to keep my secret.  I put up walls and hand out insults as if they were party favors...but no one is smiling.  I have lost my best friend over this.  I am alone.  I have reached the bottom.  I am alone in this pit.  Have I sold my soul to the devil for a brief moment of bliss?  For a second of feeling wanted?  Have I sacrificed my hopes, my dreams for following after something that doesn't want to be followed?  Where do I go from here?  Do I blame him?  Or is it all my fault?  Did I buy into his act?  Or did I just imagine the whole thing, did I make something out of nothing?  And then he will continue to be admired by all, while I struggle to stay afloat in his wake.  But maybe in the end he will realize that it wasn't a game to me.  My heart was not just something to play with.  Someday he will understand that I did love him.  One day he will know, of this, I am sure.

Finding Me

So, that's it.  It's all over.  School, I mean.  And, yeah, just for the semester.  But still, it was stressful enough that I'm just so glad for the break.  I almost collapsed after I sang for my juries.  All the stress was just let go and I just wanted to go to sleep for days.  (which, I fully plan on doing)  Life is just such a funny thing when I think about it, though.  I think about all the stress that I put myself through and for what?  I don't mean that as a bad thing but really, what is all the worry for?  Why can't I just live my life with confidence?  But then I think, God didn't make us like that.  He didn't make us to walk around is this skin not feeling anything.  I think about the struggles in my life and how much I wish that I didn't have to deal with them.  I think also about the fact that I've just not settled on any decisions in my life yet.  I just can't seem to find contentment in my life.  I can't stand to be alone and yet people in general are driving me crazy!  I feel like all the good opportunities in life are being taken by people that don't deserve them.  I feel like I'm going no where in my life.  I feel like I'm attractive to no one.  And more than anything, I just feel like I've fallen from God's grace.  Like I'm so far beneath Him that He can no longer see me.  He no longer remembers my name.  I no longer honor Him with anything that I do.  And I just wonder, where did it all go wrong?  Where did I stop living as a happy kid and start living as a depressed "adult".  And I put adult in quotes because most of the time I don't feel like I should be an adult.  I feel like I missed out on crucial development when growing up.  I don't know exactly what it is but I'm still looking for it.  I'm still hopeful, I just keep thinking that this is the long dark valley in my life but someday soon I will finally see the glorious light and rise above all of this pain and suffering.  Some day the stress will be lessened so I can feel like I can breathe again.  I can be loved and accepted for me.  I can begin to find my way back, I can begin to find me.