Freedom Is A Beautiful Thing

So, today I went to the Missouri Botanical Garden and it was amazing.  Such beauty in the middle of so much hustle and bustle of the city.  I was walking around by myself contemplating my life and just enjoying everything.  It was such a peaceful moment in my life where, while I was walking through the Japanese garden, I could have very easily been in Japan. For a moment, I was somewhere else besides my ordinary life...it  was bliss.  However, I became suddenly aware that I was surrounded by couples.  They were everywhere.  Even the ducks in the pond were mating.  And there I was...alone.  And as much as I wanted to be at peace with the fact that I was by myself I just wasn't.  I'm still dealing with the torment of having a broken heart.  It's just not one of those things that is easy to get over.  I just wanted to fade into the beautiful scenery.  My story is one that many can identify with, one that many people have been through and successfully gotten over and here I am feeling like I'm the only person that has ever had to deal with this.  I want to be his friend so I'm not letting go but not letting go leaves me hanging on and then my heart just keeps getting broken, the wound keeps getting reopened.  And at this point I just don't know what to do.  I've cried, I've laughed, I've been irate, I've thought that I've moved on, and yet I'm stuck in the same place.  I know I just need to close the door but I haven't been able to.  How do you fall out of love with someone.  And how do you look someone in the face and be their friend when you know that they broke your heart and didn't even say they were sorry?  I just don't understand why I'm in this vicious cycle.  I think if I looked prettier, or was skinnier, or rich or something different from who I am that this sort of thing wouldn't happen to me.  Most days I get up and wish I was someone other than me.  But to be honest, I want to be me.  I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not.  I don't want this strange attachment to someone that used me.  I don't want my whole day to be wrecked because I hear that he has moved on to the next naive girl.  I want to feel special and pretty and loved.  And more than anything, I just want to be free of this ghost called the past, I no longer want to be haunted by the memory of him.  He doesn't deserve so much of my time and affection, yet, I seem to give it so freely.

So, here's the moral of the story.  For those of you who are in love, just take a moment to be thankful for that love.  Appreciate the love that you share with that person while remembering that there are those of us who are not so lucky.  And also, I pray that God grants me peace and understanding to get through this.  I want to truly be able to forgive him and then let it go.  I want to be able to move on with no hostilities.  I want to better understand myself and God's plans for my life.  And more than anything I just want to be happy!

Peace & Love!

The Way Life Should Be

I just want to feel like I belong instead of feeling like I can't move on 

Wanna feel loved by the one who doesn't even know my name

Wanna feel like everyday's different instead of the same

Wanna taste you everyday, wanna let go and run away

Just want this chaos to end so everything's okay

Why is life so complicated?

Why am I always so frustrated?

Cause it all seems pretty simple to me:

Be happy, be honest, be loved, be free

That's the way life should be, yeah,

That's the way life should be

Just wanna get out of bed and feel like I wanna live

Just want you to love me the way I love you

Wanna know that You'll be there to pull me through

Wanna make God proud, wanna sing out loud

Don't wanna have to wait any longer, wanna start living now

Why is life so complicated?

Why am I always so frustrated?

Cause it all seems pretty simple to me:

Be happy, be honest, be loved, be free

That's the way life should be, yeah, 

That's the way life should be

Cause we never really know 

Where life's gonna take us

So we gotta be sure that we're real

And never fake, cause

I want you see the real me

And I wanna know the real you

Time For Change...I Think

Wow!  So, today has been sort of a crazy day!  I got a call from a friend that won't talk to me...so that was nice.  I went to class, talked with my friend, got mad at another "friend" and now I'm sitting here contemplating my life.  I know, it's all very exciting!  But really, I've decided that this school may not be the school for me.  And while I realize that this is only the first semester, what else is there to know really? I'm going to give it one more semester and then I'm going to make my decision.  So, while I'm waiting I'm going to be looking at other schools, especially around the Chicago area.  I think I'm ready to move to a big city and experience something totally new.  I want to live in a town that has a population bigger than 7,000 and walk into places where I won't run into anyone.  I'm ready for a change and I think that I really need it.  I mean, really, what is keeping me here?  Don't get me wrong, I love my family but I can't live with them the rest of my life.  I don't have a boyfriend, I don't really have any friends at all so where does that leave me?  Not here, that's where!  I just think that it's important that I really spread my wings and live on my own.  I really think that the only thing that is keeping me here is fear.  I also think that if I was really loving Greenville it would be worth all the debt I'm getting myself into but I just don't think it is.  First of all, I completely feel like I'm back in high school, which, can I just tell you how much I hated high school!?!  Also, as far as contemporary goes, not so much!  I mean, for being in a contemporary music program I sure am singing a lot of Mozart and the thing is, if I'm going to sing Mozart I might as well go to a school that is less judgmental and less expensive!  I was also asking myself who I really loved in my life.  Like, is there one person in my life (outside of my family) that I really loved and wanted to be with and made me happy?  And the answer is yes, definitely!  My best friend Jen.  Who, it just so happens that she lives in the Chicago area.  And if I'm going to be really happy in my life I think I need to be closer to her.  I've missed her so much everyday since we left each other after living together in Florida for 8 months.  I know it sounds crazy (and at this point I don't care!) but I just want to be with someone that makes me feel good about myself.  And don't get any weird ideas because no, we're not lesbians!  But she really is the best person I know and I really do love her so much!  She's the only one that really understands me and would be able to help me through the bad times.  And I'm gonna pray really hard about this and hope that I get an answer but I also feel like I prayed really hard about greenville and now I'm miserable!  I have one friend here (but I love her so much so don't think I'm complaining about her-we have good times together!) and it feels like I'm back in high school, I'm not really doing that much contemporary stuff and some of the people here are so judgmental!

So, let me just end all of this by saying that I understand that I'm an impulsive person and I need to really weigh my good and the bad and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!  But part of me knows that it's time to grow up and experience life!  I'm tired of being alone and of feeling unfulfilled in my life!  I just think it's time for change!

About M.E.

Hello! This is my first blog...I'm so excited!  Well, my name is Liz Ahrens and I'm going to Greenville College right now.  I'm studying contemporary christian music and I hope to be either a worship leader in a church or a Rock Star!!!  We'll see what God has in store for me.  I'm pretty easy going and I believe in God but please don't associate me with religion...it's just not my thing.  This is just going to be a short blog because I don't really have too much to say right now.  Today was a pretty uneventful day and I have so much homework to do!  Talk to you soon!

Peace & Love!